Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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