i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
