no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do vagina's smell?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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