God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
