Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
