I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
