..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
