don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
