i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
