the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
