I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
