Your tits are I can't wait for
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
