do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
