Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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