Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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