Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
