i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
