I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
