Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Randomize
