Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
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