I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You ruined the universe
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
