Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
