While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
