FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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