I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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