the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
