Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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