So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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