if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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