I heard we made out
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
