I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
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