Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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