ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
