Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
