genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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