Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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