Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Of course I have a pirate flag
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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