Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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