Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
