youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
