In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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