genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
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I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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