either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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