Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
