these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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