Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
please don't ironically join a cult
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