well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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