Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
