I wish my penis had an off switch
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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