Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
