Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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