He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
